Tales from the Pit - 10 Customer Types Part II

#9 - THE NON-ENGLISH ONES

Every now and then, I get customers who are so foreign that I feel like I'm hosting a mini United Nations reception. Generally, garbled English to thickly accented English will get you by reasonably well. Other times, rudimentary hand motions and pointing actions work.

However, sometimes, there's stuff that really is lost in translation...

"I want a fish sandwich." The man said, in a slurred accent, his hair somewhat askew and reeking of marijuana.
"I'm sorry but we don't sell any fish sandwiches."
"But...you have catfish...and sandwiches..."
"Yes, but we don't have any catfish sandwiches."
"CATFISH! SANDWICHES!" He yelled, pointing wildly at the menu.
"WE DO NOT HAVE FISH SANDWICHES! WE HAVE CATFISH AND BBQ SANDWICHES! Both are SEPARATE!

Tales from the Pit - 10 Customer Types Part I

There are ten customer types which I have encountered during my time working. Actually, I really don't know how types of customers I encounter so I figured I'd entirely generalize and compact it all down into a nice, neat little package of ten. Because people looooooove lists.


#10 - THE ILLITERATES

Now, I know that the United States generally has a literacy rate of 97% and there are individuals out there who are unable to read, whether it is due to their lack of formal schooling, dyslexia, or human blindness. When you walk into a restaurant, it's generally assumed that you are able to drive and therefore able to ACTUALLY READ signs directing you. So really, people, is it that hard to read a menu for over a minute before you ask stupid questions such as the following:

"Do you guys have a combo with fries and a drink?"
"...Yes, it's the one that's labeled "with fries and a drink."

OR

"You guys have any beef?"
"...What are you looking for?"
"You know, brisket."
"...We have beef plates, beef sandwiches, beef by the pound..."
"Where?"
"...Up there...and over there."

OR

"What kind of restaurant is this?"
"...We're a BBQ restaurant." (Seriously, this has happened on more than one occasion.)

There are times when I will start to wonder if Darwin had it wrong that human beings actually evolved properly. Maybe he skipped some sub-evolutionary links. Oh, I know it's pretty mean-spirited as this is written but generally speaking, there's a substantial (i.e. TOTALLY COMPLETE) amount of truth to it. So really, restrain the mild indignation and the sanctimoniousness of a self-righteous position. Everybody lies and none of us are exempt. Unless you're Jesus at which point, we're pretty much shit out of luck!

Honestly, is it hard to read things in English?

Tales from the Pit - A little too much information...

As I perused my copy of Nathaniel Hawthorne's Twice-Told Tales, I was mildly interested in the morality plays of the author while mostly put-off by the confusing nineteenth century vernacular and New England tongues which the author based from the early seventeenth century in certain tales of his. Nonetheless, it provided an insight into the foibles and morality of human beings as well as the constant tension of the role of faith in a Puritan setting versus the role of a common humanity.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the following tale. It was just an observation that I felt was rather keen.

It was the mid-afternoon and I had a steady stream of customers in and out but nothing entirely too overwhelming. As I glanced up from my reading, I noticed a shadow form in the vestibule moving towards the interior. Bracing myself for the incoming customer, I mechanically assumed my station.

The door opened and the customer walked in. I recognized her as one of my old regulars, middle-aged woman with dyed crimson hair and wrinkles forming around a visage that may have been at one point quite beautiful in her ephemeral youth.

"Hello, what will it be today?"
"Well, hmm. Let me see now." She wondered aloud, taking off her oversized sunglasses and glancing at the menu. I was internally betting if she would go for one of the fish baskets since she seemed to love fish the last few times she had been in here. Though it had been over a month since I had last seen her.

"Perhaps you should take a seat. I think this may be awhile." She replied, grinning as she continued her raking search.

I acknowledged and I sat down, opening my book to another one of Hawthorne's tales. No sooner had several seconds elapsed she finally made her decision.

"You know, I'll take the number one. The beef plate."
"Will that be all, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, that'll be fine."

I ran up her bill and send the order to the kitchen. After closing the till and handing her back her change, we began to make small talk. We talked about the weather and work. I learned that she was originally from New York and there was this place called Tony Roma's that served some of the best BBQ she ever had. I also learned something else as well.

"I had the rib plate last time I was here. It was a little bit tough on my teeth, which was a bit off-putting."
"Really now? That's rather unusual. Our ribs are generally tender."
"Well, you see, I have false teeth so it's a little tough on the teeth."
"...........Oh."
"And I thought they were baby-back when I saw them but I never saw that you said baby-back on your menu so it was my own false assumption."
"Er...yeah. Those are expensive...yeah...ribs..."

False teeth.

Wow. That just brings up a whole new string of What.The.Fuck moments in life.

Tales from the Pit - Quote of the Day

I was manning the drive through and a customer drove up, placing an order for a two meat po-boy. What follows illustrates the inanity of the human condition and the stupidity of people.

"Hello, how may I help you?"
"I'd like a two-meat sandwich. No, po-boy."
"Okay. What two meats would you like?"
"Uh...beef. And...is chicken a meat?"
"...Yes. Yes, it is."
"Okay, chicken it is!"
"Please drive up to the window."

Seriously, is chicken a meat? Do cows give milk? Was Jesus a Jew? Did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife?

Good God.

Tales from the Pit - The Things People Say: Part III

#3: ASKING QUESTIONS, ORDERING SOMETHING, AND THEN NOT BUYING ANYTHING / DAMN CHEAPSKATING SON OF A BITCH!

It was Friday and the middle of Lent. Sales likely were going to take a hit today due to the fact that the Catholic Church conveniently decides to ban eating meat on Fridays during this season of repentance. Gee, thanks a lot, Jesus.

The first customer of the day waddles in. He was a stout black man, with a slightly gray beard. As he spoke, his voice reminded me of the timbre of a log rolling down a hill. (Seriously, it's hard to explain.)

"I want a chicken sandwich. What goes with that?" He inquired, glancing at your menu.

"Well, sir, we have a pulled chicken sandwich that comes with pickles, onions, and BBQ sauce on it."

"You got fries or something to go with that...?"

"Well, you can get a meal for $6.55 with a drink and fries." He looked at me with his brow slightly furrowed and turned around.

"Well, never mind. Thank you." He left quickly, waddling slightly due to his girth.

I rolled my eyes as some of my coworkers offered a uniquely colorful racial epithet regarding the incident. Though truth be told, I share the frustration.

VERDICT: I know it's the Great Recession. But seriously...we're NOT MCDONALD'S OR WENDY'S HERE! We actually make...God forbid...REAL FOOD. REALLY GOOD FOOD TOO! Research that I've conducted shows that our prices are cheaper compared to other BBQ places in this city, which by the way, I feel is extraordinarily overrated with its own style of BBQ. I have to limit my gag reflex when the unpleasant occasion of eating the BBQ made in this town arises unexpectedly. But I digress. Back to the point at hand, if you expect cheaper prices, you should've gone elsewhere. Given the option of paying a few dollars less for crap versus actual food, people will automatically go for the crap.

Tales from the Pit - The Things People Say: Part II

#2: GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE ON HOW TO RUN A RESTAURANT / NO ONE FUCKING CARES WHAT YOU SAY

I was standing against the wall, blankly staring at the outside as cars rushed past on the busy street. It was mid-afternoon and the lunch crowd had gone and died down. Nothing out of the ordinary really.

A customer walked in, drawing my attention from the colors of the floor tiles. He was an average height, white male with a slight belly.

"I don't want to buy anything actually." He remarked plainly. Naturally, I was a bit annoyed.
"Okay...."
"I just want to say that you should write on your sign out there something like "Tastes like Smokehouse" or something along those lines..."
"Well, you can try our sauce to see..." I began warily, pointing to the bottle of sauces near him.

He grabbed a bottle and tasted the sauce.

"Yeah, tastes like Smokehouse."

I sighed, mildly irritated at this unwelcome interlocutor.

"Look, we've been open for almost 3 months and we haven't done any advertising really. We've done reasonably well for ourselves."

"Oh, really? Well, that's good. I'm just saying. Thanks again." He left promptly, likely for his own safety considering I would've thrown him out sooner or later.

VERDICT: NO ONE ASKS FOR YOUR ADVICE. THEREFORE, DO NOT GIVE IT. I get lots of unsolicited advice every week. Besides, this was likely a lawsuit in the making if I put something like that up. Seriously, most people who give advice on how to run a restaurant DO NOT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO RUN A RESTAURANT. I'm certain that most of them have never owned a restaurant, much less know how to give advice on advertising. Thanks to the oversaturation of advertising and bombardment of images that we experience as a massive consumerist society, many people who go into chain restaurants want food and are generally sheep lured by discounts and shiny colors laced with saturated fat. Sheep do not tell managers what their next meal should be. Sheep simply need to eat and fork over their money. That is how the system works.

Tales from the Pit - The Things People Say: Part I

Here's the beginning list of things that people say which I love to hear. By which I mean I detest with an absolute loathing passion of hellish rage and ridiculous fury. I seem to have misplaced my medication so my anger is currently unchecked, motherfuckers.

#1: ASKING FOR ITEMS WE DO NOT HAVE / ARE YOU MENTALLY RETARDED?

Two customers recently finished eating their meals and came up to me for refills on their drinks. They were two men, one being old white man and and his middle-aged white friend. As I handed them back their drinks, the old man leaned on his cane and said to me:

"So, when are you guys going to have ham?"
"Well, sir. We had ham for awhile but it took too long to get rid of and we had to throw it away at the end."

I inwardly sighed, recalling this debacle. Somehow, it took us 3-4 weeks to get rid of a leg of ham, proving that our investment in it was ill-advised at the time and ridiculous. I get 3-4 requests for ham a week on average. Now couple that with the fact that we serve several hundred customers a week. I think the point's been made but I digress.

"Really now? How long did it take?"
"About 3-4 weeks."
"Well...until you get ham, I won't be coming back. When you do get ham, put a sign up"

I stared at him, my mouth slightly open about to retort with something in regards to his mother and a quick death but luckily, prudence caught me instead.

"Eh, don't worry. I'll be back." His companion remarked, rolling his eyes slightly at the old man's outburst. They both left the restaurant, the old man plodding along.

VERDICT: Old people love ham. It seems their taste buds are so degraded that it's all they can taste. And seriously, fuck ham.

***

I was sitting at the register and reading a book when a customer came in. As I glanced up, I noticed he was a new one. Medium height, small build, and black, he looked at our menu for several minutes and glanced around the restaurant. I stood at the register and waited for him to ask for his order. However, after two minutes, I grew tired and impatient.

"Is there something I can help you with, sir?"

Surprised, he mumbled "Y'all don't have any friedkrandeens?"

"...What?"

"Y'all don't have any fried okra and greens?"

"Nooo..." I replied, somewhat surprised at the question.

"Oh, okay, it's cool. Thanks." He left quicker than when he had come in.

VERDICT: Fried okra and greens? There's a reason stereotypes exist.