Tales From The Pit - What Your Drink Says About You

At the restaurant, we currently dispense Pepsi products to our customers. As such, we really have 8 options to choose from and given from what I observe, there are certain unique traits that people who order the drinks tend to have. I conducted the following research strictly at work, while operating machinery, or completely and totally driven to the edge of mental insanity. The sample is very large and the margin of error is ridiculously larger. So if you see your favorite drink lampooned below or get offended, spare me the hate mail. I already get enough Viagra spam and junk mail as it is.

Pepsi
You are a normal, everyday customer who understands the superiority of Pepsi lies in its sugary sweetness of absurd amounts of high fructose corn syrup mixed with a excessive cola and caffeine. It knows no racial or religious bounds! You may also hate the fact that we don't have Coke products and take one anyway. It's like eating your mom's meatloaf since it's all she makes or actually making conversation with your girlfriend because she took away your remote for the flatscreen and cut off your Internet. Likelihood of diabetes: LIKE YES! TOTALLY!

Diet Pepsi
You are likely suffering tooth problems due to excessive sugar intake as well as the onset of diabetes type 2. Besides, some idiot decided to do that tooth in Coca-Cola experiment with you and scar you for life. You're also aiming to lose weight and slim down enough to fit into the pants you have right now. Of course, that's kinda pointless if ALL you drink is nothing but Diet Pepsi all the time. Personally, you may like the taste of it and wonder why all drinks shouldn't be so good as Diet Pepsi. You might as well ask why your bitch of a coworker decided to rat on your affair with the head of marketing to your husband. Because face it, life is rough so Diet Pepsi can take you only so far. To the doctor's office or court anyway.

Sierra Mist
You want to be different. So that's why you totally gun in for the Sierra Mist when we don't have Sprite. Caffeine free and a lemon-lime flavor, Sierra Mist represents the potential of what a good soda could be only to have it neutered in more ways than one because 7UP is so much better. You prefer the lemon-lime flavor since it's a lot less likely to cause you to become an addict. You may work long hours and have a terrible job but you know in the end, things will just work out. As long as your bosses don't know you're using the company credit card to pay for a $7 meal, you're fine. Way to be a rebel.

Tropicana Pink Lemonade
You love to be fruity, don't you? The pink lemonade lacks caffeine and is simple pink lemonade with all-natural flavors and ingredients. Or so it says on the label anyway. You dislike soda and sometimes wish restaurants would stock Hi-C or fruit punch but there's just something about having a cup of pink lemonade on a day when it's 25 degrees outside with a heavy snowstorm. That something is called being out of your mind. Proportionally, more black people get this drink than white people. But then again, it's crazy to think that drinks are influenced by race.

Orange Crush
Black people LOVE this drink (Disregard the above). Hands down, you enjoy the bite of the orange syrup mixed with a tank of CO2 gas when it hits your tongue. You may likely harass the employees with snide remarks or ridiculous questions simply because you are an unqualified prick. You are addicted to the absurd amounts of caffeine and corn syrup in this drink and enjoy buying it every time you come in. Because let's face it, how many places serve Orange Crush and cause the management to threaten to call the police if you keep harassing them about being Asian?

Diet Dr. Pepper
You always keep an eye out for something new and different. Naturally, you gravitate towards Diet Dr. Pepper since it's like Dr. Pepper. Except not in any way. I personally think Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like flat Dr. Pepper only much more terrible in every way. Anyway, you tend to be reasonably well-dressed and have no problems paying with your credit card since you likely spent your cash on that hooker during your conference or going out with the girls to a bar that serves $20 cocktails. You work hard and get your hands dirty but the self-immolating work mentality of your profession prevents you from treating yourself and instead consume something that I feel is the castor oil of soda.

Dr. Pepper
You know what you like. Boring. Predictable. The missionary position of soda. You know what you generally want in life and go for it. One day it may just be a small gumbo or a sandwich, the next day it could be simply hotwiring your neighbor's car and running it into a telephone pole just to freak him out. You can make your mark in a crowd or blend in like a chameleon just out of self-preservation. Your job may take you across many miles but Dr. Pepper is always a constant with you on the road. Along with a .9 mm Beretta for scaring off illegal immigrants you think you see everywhere. You're not afraid of much, including the police. So be free. Or you may end up in jail. Again.

Mountain Dew
I've ONLY had WHITE PEOPLE buy this. Period. You enjoy the strange taste of Mountain and are prone to being somewhat hyperactive and overjoyed when you receive your Mountain Dew. You may also tend to be extreme in your appetite, either ordering enough for a small family to feed yourself or order enough for yourself only to not feed a small family. You are not afraid to try something new and generally have enjoyed taking risks to the extreme, perfectly fitting in with the marketing image of Mountain Dew and EXTREME SPORTS! Unfortunately, you may not drink enough to rationalize any restaurants to order more Mountain Dew for at least two months, which really is your own fault for not embracing the inner Dew. Life for you is A-ok, minus the fact that you got conned into taking out a sub-prime loan. Sorry about that.