Tales from the Pit - Taking Out The Trash

There are days when things are good and there are days when things are bad. There are also days when you go on a massive power trip and it is so gratifying on so many different levels.

This was one of those days.

The lunch rush had passed and I was idling away at the cash register. It was another Monday, another slow day. It was mildly sad on some levels and just entirely mind numbing on others. The restaurant stood empty and quiet. A truck drove past the window and turned in towards our parking lot.

The door opened and a customer walked in. He wore a yellow jacket, denoting his work with water services along with sunglasses masking his eyes. He looked around and turned to me.

"What kind of restaurant is this?" He inquired.

"It's a barbecue place." I replied mildly, automatically initiating a routine that I was so used to. He glanced around and at me.

"What do YOU know about barbecue?" He said, a tinge of accusation in his voice.

"...Excuse me?" I was slightly confused, my brow furrowed as I broke out of my routine.

"What do YOU know about barbecue?" Again, he asked me, his tone betraying a sense of disbelief and confrontation.

I appraised his body language, noting the folding arms across the chest as well as the almost sneering manner of speech. Essentially, I was being judged. I normally deal with my fair share of crap but I believe this was the first time someone actually had questioned our purpose of even bothering to exist, as if intending to stir up trouble That alone told me all I need to know about the type of person I was dealing with. I gathered my wits about me and looked at him straight in the eye.

"You can leave...if you want..."
"What was that..." He said, the first sign of mild doubt and confusion appearing on his face.

I smiled at him and gave him my death stare from hell, boring past the dark sunglasses shield his eyes and underneath the blackness of his skin, straight through the parietal lobe and back out the window.

"You can leave...if you want. The door's right there." I motioned to the door, whilst smiling politely.

"Fine, I'll leave." He stared and walked out the door, all the while muttering something that was most likely incoherent and irrelevant. As the door closed, I settled back into a chair, mildly confused and shocked at what I had done before I was overwhelming with a feeling in the pit of my stomach which I can describe simply as euphoric. That was expected since I just pretty much had a massive power trip on so many levels which was unexpectedly satisfying.

As far as my treatment of him goes, I'd say he deserves it. After all, getting insulted is below my pay grade.

Tales from the Pit - Quote of the Day

A single, lone fat truck driver walked in in the early evening.

"Hi, how can I help you?"
"I'll take the beef plate and an iced tea."
"Okay. That'll be $11.41. GET ME A NUMBER ONE!"
"Oh, can I change that? I want a two-meat plate with sausage and beef."
"...Okay. MAKE THAT FIVE! SAUSAGE AND BEEF!"
"Sorry about that. I make my decisions like a woman. I change my mind a lot."
"Fascinating. I don't think most woman change their minds..."
"They have a hard time making up their minds, right? Am I right?"
"...I'm not inclined to comment."
"Hahaha. Are you married?"
"...What?!"
"WERE you married?"
"No...I haven't made a mistake yet...how old do you think I am?"
"I don't know, like 30...?"
"...30?!"

I'm not sure what's worse: the misogyny or the fact that I look like I'm frickin' THIRTY!

Tales from the Pit - 10 Customer Types Part III

#8 - THE BLUE COLLAR WORKERS

Generally, these customers come in on their lunch breaks during the week. They may be working at the power plants in the area or the local offices nearby or the railroad lines that may run through the park. Aside from that, the description is generally basic and simple:

Overwhelmingly white, majority males.
Half may generally be covered in dirt, oil, stains, Lord knows what.
Prone to eating quickly and generally leaves within 15 minutes of sitting down.
Prone to being loud and possibly obnoxious.
Prone to eat generally anywhere from $6-$10 worth of food.

There's nothing to anecdotal to write about since many of my customers fall into this range. It's really all boring.

#7 - THE TRUCKER

Most truckers park in the back and generally come in to check things out at our restaurant. The overwhelming majority are male and mostly range from overweight to being morbidly obese. Also, there's a tendency to have an increase in body odor.

There also exists a tendency for many truckers to consider themselves good drivers. That tendency is entirely bullshit. A downed flagpole, several damaged lights, damage gas meters, twisted gates, etc. all attribute to that inherently presumptuous and deadly attitude. Seriously, truckers are dumb drivers.

The upside to all this? They pay a lot of money. A LOT of money. And they come back from time to time:

"Hi, how may I help-"
"I want 2 pounds of beef and 1 pound of sausage."
"Okay, you want....wait...2 pounds of beef and 1 pound of sausage?"
"Yeah. No sauce on any of it."
"Okay. Three pounds of meat?"
"Yes."
"Weren't you hear a few months ago..."
"Yeah, they changed some of my route so it's been awhile."
"Uh huh."

As a note, 1 lb of meat generally feeds 2-3 people.

Tales from the Pit - 10 Customer Types Part II

#9 - THE NON-ENGLISH ONES

Every now and then, I get customers who are so foreign that I feel like I'm hosting a mini United Nations reception. Generally, garbled English to thickly accented English will get you by reasonably well. Other times, rudimentary hand motions and pointing actions work.

However, sometimes, there's stuff that really is lost in translation...

"I want a fish sandwich." The man said, in a slurred accent, his hair somewhat askew and reeking of marijuana.
"I'm sorry but we don't sell any fish sandwiches."
"But...you have catfish...and sandwiches..."
"Yes, but we don't have any catfish sandwiches."
"CATFISH! SANDWICHES!" He yelled, pointing wildly at the menu.
"WE DO NOT HAVE FISH SANDWICHES! WE HAVE CATFISH AND BBQ SANDWICHES! Both are SEPARATE!

Tales from the Pit - 10 Customer Types Part I

There are ten customer types which I have encountered during my time working. Actually, I really don't know how types of customers I encounter so I figured I'd entirely generalize and compact it all down into a nice, neat little package of ten. Because people looooooove lists.


#10 - THE ILLITERATES

Now, I know that the United States generally has a literacy rate of 97% and there are individuals out there who are unable to read, whether it is due to their lack of formal schooling, dyslexia, or human blindness. When you walk into a restaurant, it's generally assumed that you are able to drive and therefore able to ACTUALLY READ signs directing you. So really, people, is it that hard to read a menu for over a minute before you ask stupid questions such as the following:

"Do you guys have a combo with fries and a drink?"
"...Yes, it's the one that's labeled "with fries and a drink."

OR

"You guys have any beef?"
"...What are you looking for?"
"You know, brisket."
"...We have beef plates, beef sandwiches, beef by the pound..."
"Where?"
"...Up there...and over there."

OR

"What kind of restaurant is this?"
"...We're a BBQ restaurant." (Seriously, this has happened on more than one occasion.)

There are times when I will start to wonder if Darwin had it wrong that human beings actually evolved properly. Maybe he skipped some sub-evolutionary links. Oh, I know it's pretty mean-spirited as this is written but generally speaking, there's a substantial (i.e. TOTALLY COMPLETE) amount of truth to it. So really, restrain the mild indignation and the sanctimoniousness of a self-righteous position. Everybody lies and none of us are exempt. Unless you're Jesus at which point, we're pretty much shit out of luck!

Honestly, is it hard to read things in English?

Tales from the Pit - A little too much information...

As I perused my copy of Nathaniel Hawthorne's Twice-Told Tales, I was mildly interested in the morality plays of the author while mostly put-off by the confusing nineteenth century vernacular and New England tongues which the author based from the early seventeenth century in certain tales of his. Nonetheless, it provided an insight into the foibles and morality of human beings as well as the constant tension of the role of faith in a Puritan setting versus the role of a common humanity.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the following tale. It was just an observation that I felt was rather keen.

It was the mid-afternoon and I had a steady stream of customers in and out but nothing entirely too overwhelming. As I glanced up from my reading, I noticed a shadow form in the vestibule moving towards the interior. Bracing myself for the incoming customer, I mechanically assumed my station.

The door opened and the customer walked in. I recognized her as one of my old regulars, middle-aged woman with dyed crimson hair and wrinkles forming around a visage that may have been at one point quite beautiful in her ephemeral youth.

"Hello, what will it be today?"
"Well, hmm. Let me see now." She wondered aloud, taking off her oversized sunglasses and glancing at the menu. I was internally betting if she would go for one of the fish baskets since she seemed to love fish the last few times she had been in here. Though it had been over a month since I had last seen her.

"Perhaps you should take a seat. I think this may be awhile." She replied, grinning as she continued her raking search.

I acknowledged and I sat down, opening my book to another one of Hawthorne's tales. No sooner had several seconds elapsed she finally made her decision.

"You know, I'll take the number one. The beef plate."
"Will that be all, ma'am?"
"Oh yes, that'll be fine."

I ran up her bill and send the order to the kitchen. After closing the till and handing her back her change, we began to make small talk. We talked about the weather and work. I learned that she was originally from New York and there was this place called Tony Roma's that served some of the best BBQ she ever had. I also learned something else as well.

"I had the rib plate last time I was here. It was a little bit tough on my teeth, which was a bit off-putting."
"Really now? That's rather unusual. Our ribs are generally tender."
"Well, you see, I have false teeth so it's a little tough on the teeth."
"...........Oh."
"And I thought they were baby-back when I saw them but I never saw that you said baby-back on your menu so it was my own false assumption."
"Er...yeah. Those are expensive...yeah...ribs..."

False teeth.

Wow. That just brings up a whole new string of What.The.Fuck moments in life.

Tales from the Pit - Quote of the Day

I was manning the drive through and a customer drove up, placing an order for a two meat po-boy. What follows illustrates the inanity of the human condition and the stupidity of people.

"Hello, how may I help you?"
"I'd like a two-meat sandwich. No, po-boy."
"Okay. What two meats would you like?"
"Uh...beef. And...is chicken a meat?"
"...Yes. Yes, it is."
"Okay, chicken it is!"
"Please drive up to the window."

Seriously, is chicken a meat? Do cows give milk? Was Jesus a Jew? Did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife?

Good God.